WYG Prompt: kindness to myself

Prompt: What would it mean to offer kindness to yourself in grief? What would kindness look like?

I’ve rarely offered kindness to myself in life, so I can’t even imagine how to offer kindness to myself in grief.

Grace the Grief Counselor says that kindness to myself means letting myself feel my feelings, and I certainly do that. She also says that it means eating right, exercising, doing the work of grief, and getting enough sleep. I’m not really scoring well on any of those, with the possible exception of doing grief work. Although, gotta tell ya, I’m doing work but not seeing much in the way of results, so I’m not feeling great there.

What would kindness to myself in grief look like? Apologies to my loved ones, but right now the kindest thing I can think of is to not be here anymore. I’m not going to kill myself, but I wish I could. I think it’s profoundly unjust that I can’t. If I were suffering from a terminal illness and wanted to end my life, there are (I believe) nine states plus DC where I could do that, and it would be both legal and socially acceptable if not understandable. It would be acceptable because, in that scenario, I would be in terrible pain that would last until I die. Well? I am in terrible pain that will last until I die. So why is MY desire to die somehow less valid because my pain is emotional rather than physical? And don’t give me that “permanent solution to a temporary problem” bullshit, because my sole problem is most definitely NOT temporary: Doug is dead forever.

So, yeah: to me, right now - as it’s been for the past 81 days since Doug died - the ultimate kindness would be to be put out of my misery. But that’s clearly not happening no matter how much I wish for it. Beyond that, I truly don’t know. I know that the only thing I want is to be with Doug. If I can’t have that, then I want to continue to sit here and cry and do nothing else until I can be with Doug. But I know that’s not an option, either, because I have to go back to work (in 20 days), and I have to take care of the animals, and I have to prepare food, and I have to sit here all by myself 24/7, getting my only human interaction from zoom calls. Don’t people die from lack of touch? I’ve gotta be getting close to that point by now. 

This writing prompt is pissing me off, to be honest. What the hell difference does it make if I’m kind to myself? What does that even mean? Kind, unkind - none of it changes my reality: I’ll never get to celebrate an anniversary with my husband - not a SINGLE ONE. I’ll never touch him again, or hear his voice again, or see his handsome face again. Is kindness supposed to somehow make that bearable? Is kindness going to make me find joy in a loveless life? (Yes, I know my friends and family love me but that is not the same and you know it so shut up.)

I don’t know what kindness to myself looks like. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what good it would do anyway.