Not-an-update

I've been staring at this screen for half an hour, because I don't know where to start. I tried making a video post, because I was feeling too lazy to type. Unfortunately, when I reviewed the recording I realized that I couldn't keep my train of thought on the rails, so here we are. But, because I love you, here are a few stills from the recording. No reason for you to miss the glory that is me with a Pebbles Flintstone ponytail and no makeup, right? 

Yes, fellas, I'm single; the line forms to the left. Also, it should be noted that I spared you the "crazy eyes, pursed lips" Rudy Giuliani expression. You're welcome. 

Oh, on second thought, fuck it. Y'all deserve a laugh, so here ya go: I wasn't trying to mimic Rudy's famously insane expression, and yet here we are. The only thing I'm missing is a thin stream of brown hair dye (or, perhaps, motor oil?) leaking down the side of my face. 

But I really am gonna spare you still images of me crying; for one thing, the red eyes make me look stoned (which I am not), and the red nose makes me look as though I've been snorting cocaine (which I clearly have not, or I'd be much, much thinner and unable to sleep). Plus, I'm not particularly interested in being a purveyor of grief porn (also, don't google grief porn, because evidently Rule 34 is REAL, yo 😳).

I've been pretty much offline for... I don't know, man. A week? Two weeks? A decade? The days are kind of a blur, to be honest. I've fallen back into my old habit of living on coffee from the time I wake up until dinner most days, but managed to eat real food yesterday and had groceries delivered so I can eat real food for the next seven days. And yes, I can tell the difference: when I eat well, I swear my IQ jumps by a good 15-20 points.

I've been indulging in a lot of retail therapy, but I don't hate myself for it because for one thing I can afford it, and for another I'm mostly buying kitchen stuff. A few weeks ago, I bought an air fryer. which makes the best tofu ever. If you aren't a fan of tofu due to the texture, I'm here to tell you that air frying it is a game changer. 

I also bought a Vitamix, which was delivered yesterday. Yeah, there was a fair amount of sticker shock, but this thing will last forever. My old food processor is great for slicing up five pounds of onions to caramelize them, and for grating big quantities of cheese or chocolate, but disassembling the damn thing to clean it is a pain in the ass. I also needed a good blender for soups, and I'm gonna want to make breakfast fruit smoothies when the weather gets warmer, and my old blender will not tolerate frozen fruit (or effectively puree the handful of spinach I like to throw into my smoothies). I'm christening the Vitamix today to make hummus - and a silken tofu/chocolate mousse to have for dessert tomorrow. 

Cooking really is my only outlet, so I might as well give myself the gift of good tools, right? Next up will be a set of GOOD knives.

Cooking aside, I'm still stuck. And I mean really well and truly stuck. I don't want the life I have, I can't have the life I want, and I can't find my way out of that cycle. If it weren't for the fact that 2/3 of the closet space in this house still has Doug's stuff in it, I'd wonder if my life with him was just a dream. 

I'm lonely, but it's a loneliness that can't be helped by talking with friends or family, however nice that can be. So my only options are remain alone and lonely for the rest of my days, or find a man to share my life with. The former is unacceptable, because it gives me half a life; the latter is unacceptable, because it means taking on the risk of dating and opening myself up to love again. Risk is a big problem for me, given that I'm now a person who's afraid of literally everything but death. Two choices, neither of which is really a choice at all. I kinda feel like this guy, but I'm not so good at playing it for laughs.

So if anyone has suggestions as to how I can get out of this "don't want to live alone but too scared and fucked up to not live alone" cycle, I'm all ears. Or if you're a single, age-appropriate dude who's hankering to partner up with a woman who's a great cook but has new(ish) anger issues, go on ahead and slide into my DMs. 

Because if I don't find a way out of this, I'm going to keep getting more and more bitter and resentful and exhausted, and eventually I'll completely give up. Depending on the day, "giving up" may mean what you think it does, or it may just mean quitting my job, selling my house, and hitting the road until I run out of money and starve.