Since the last time I posted, nothing has changed. I am back in the depths of the abyss, and there's no way out. I have exactly one problem: my husband is dead. And that one problem makes everything else unbearable. Yeah, I have friends and family who are wonderful, but it's too painful to hang out with them (virtually or otherwise) because most of them are happily coupled and I'm alone and I'm just not a good enough person that I can get past resenting that so many people have what was stolen from Doug and me. Yep, I have a great job, but I can't enjoy that because I'm still operating at MAYBE half capacity. Yep, I make good money and have lots of PTO so I could travel, but there's no joy in traveling alone when you had the best traveling partner in the world, and now he's gone forever.
My "life" has been reduced to work and sleep. That's pretty much it. I don't sleep because I'm tired, and I don't ever feel rested; I sleep because it's the only escape I have from the empty, lonely reality that's never going to change. And all the love in the world from my family and friends? I'm sorry, but it doesn't help. Because what I'm lonely for is something that can be provided by only one person, and he's dead.
So on work days, I work. And then I sleep. On the weekends, I sleep.
I don't know what got into my head those couple of weeks when I was thinking I could do this. I can't. I don't want to. If I could go back in time, I would've ended this the day after Doug died; at least I could've saved myself 338 days of misery.
But I didn't. And so I'm stuck here, just waiting it out, because there's nothing else to do since I'm too chickenshit to do what I want to do. The other day I posted that I'm back to wishing for death every day, and if I'm lucky, maybe one day soon my wish will come true. But I have 55.5 years of experience on this planet, and based on the luck I've had so far, I'm not liking my chances.
I'm not looking for advice. I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm loved. I know that I'm loved. It's just not enough. Not without him. I'm not looking for anything; I'm just telling you how it is.
Saw this in an ad on Facebook yesterday and cried for an hour solid. Because it's me.
So now you know how I'm doing. And I'm going to finish this coffee I'm drinking, turn off my phone so no one can interrupt me, and go back to sleep.
I completely understand being love, knowing it, yet it not touching the worst of the worst. I know.
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