The polite couple

I want to tell you a sweet story about Doug and me:

When we first started dating, we were both pretty cagey. We'd each been burned before, and we'd each made poor choices before, and so we were testing-but-not-really-testing each other those first few months.

In particular, neither of us wanted to seem needy or clingy, which was great in theory. In practice, though, it led to strings of texts like, "you don't have to reply right now if you're busy" and "I'd really like to talk tonight, but if you're tired it's no big deal."

It was sweet, in a way. It was also exhausting. I mean, I knew he was crazy about me; he knew that I was crazy about him. But we played this silly chess game just to be extra cautious not to scare each other away. Like I said: it was sweet, in a way.

We were kinda like these guys:

Once we got past that phase, we went into the Please-God-don't-let-me-fuck-this-up phase. This phase of relationships happens much more intensely as older couples, I think. Because, y'know: baggage. It's the time when you start to share all your little quirks and neuroses and insecurities, and you're terrified that the other person is going to see all this shit and bail. 

My "quirk" was my deep-seated fear that I was unlovable. Doug's was the terror that he'd been single so long, he'd forgotten how to be in a relationship. I remember him telling me that if he ever acted like he wasn't in a couple, that I should point it out.

But you know what? It may have happened once, and I don't even remember what it was so it couldn't have been that big a deal. Maybe Doug didn't remember how to be part of a couple, but all the stuff that goes into being part of a couple? Compassion, ability to listen, willingness to compromise and admit mistakes, willingness to call me out when I needed it? Ability to laugh at himself? And the ability to laugh at me? Man, he had ALL of that.

Look, I know how lucky we were to find each other. And I know that we packed more love into our four years, four months, and four days (yes, I'm counting our first not-a-date) than some couples do in 50. It's not that I'm not grateful for that, because I am. But I'm greedy; I wanted more.