The return of the sportsballs

The title of this post is a nod to a friend of Doug's and mine - a theatre person through and through, and not remotely interested in athletics - who refers to all sports thusly. 😊

Tonight was the first football game of the year. It was the first live sporting event I've watched since UT's last basketball game 187 days ago, only16 days after Doug died. It was also the first football game I've watched without Doug in nearly five years. I knew it would be emotional; I wondered how far into the game I'd get before I started crying.

Bitch, I didn't even make it to kickoff. 🤦‍♀️

I'd set a couple of beer glasses in the freezer to get nice and frosty. I'd ordered wings to be delivered. I'd set out one of our shot glasses from Hawaii and the Jack Daniels Honey. When my food was delivered, I got a glass out of the freezer, poured a beer, and set it on the counter. Then I took the shot glass, poured the Honey Jack, and set that on the counter next to the beer.

And that's when I realized that, without even thinking about it, I'd set up in exactly the spot where we always used to set up when one of us would pour our customary beer-and-a-shot; a spot that we really never used for anything else (with the annual exception of Christmas cookie baking). Strike One. Then I had this sense memory of stepping over to look into the living room to say, "your cocktail is prepared" in the most exaggerated Southern Belle accent ever. Strike Two. I picked up my shot glass, and toasted Doug; I wanted to say something sweet, maybe something silly. But what came out was "you're supposed to be here, dammit." Strike Three; cue the waterworks.

Final tallies for the night:

• Kansas City: 34
• Houston: 20
• Shots of Jack Daniels Honey with a chaser of Dragon's Milk Bourbon Barrel Stouts consumed: 3(!)
• Wings consumed: 8
• Fries consumed: Sorry, didn't count
• Kleenex used: Who the hell would count that?!? I mean, it was a lot, but fewer than I expected: drowning my sorrows in a LOT of high gravity beer, Jack Daniels Honey, and chocolate truffle cashew milk "ice cream" was quite effective. I can't do that every day, but for tonight, it got the job done.

Yeah, I'm gonna hate myself when I get up at 5:00 tomorrow morning, but no regrets. I did what I needed to do to get through the game.

In other news, the burning question from today's therapy session: what do you do when you DESPERATELY need hope, but there's no hope to be had?