Back in your box, woman!

I planned to start my new and improved schedule today, but was unable to drift off until 4:00 AM, giving me a whopping three hours of sleep (and no dreams, of course, because why should I get even the tiny comfort that dreaming about Doug would give me?). I keep trying to plan things and set myself up for success (whatever the fuck that means when the only success I can imagine is being with my husband again), and the universe keeps refusing to cooperate.

And really, what's the point in planning anyway? I planned to have a long and happy marriage. I planned a trip this summer with my husband and our three cats. I planned to travel the world with the love of my life. But the universe looked at those plans and said "FUCK YOU, LADY."

Yesterday afternoon, I spent a little time trying to think of what I could do to shake things up, but anything I came up with is logistically impossible. Examples:

• I hate this house. But renovating it isn't an option, because what I need is more space, but it's not like adding on a room would cut it: I'd need to drastically change the layout of the house in order to make this kitchen really work for me, and that would practically require tearing the whole damn thing down and building new - but I can't do that because I still have a mortgage on this place. Buying in Nashville is now off the table because of the upcoming 32% increase in property taxes. So I'm stuck in this house.
• I thought about just buying an RV and hitting the road, since I can work from anywhere as long as I have high-speed internet. But I am not mechanically inclined (and therefore couldn't fix anything that broke), and I don't have a vehicle that could tow a camper, and oh yeah - it's dangerous to be out RVing alone without a navigator, and it's especially dangerous for a woman to be out in the middle of nowhere alone.
• OK, so the living situation isn't something I can escape. Maybe take up a new hobby? Kayaking would be ideal, because it would get me out in nature, and I've always loved the water. But I'm a novice, so I'd need lessons, which I can't get because everything is closed because of COVID-19. And I have no way to transport a kayak, because I have a soft-top convertible (and inflatable kayaks are notoriously hard to handle and probably not a great idea around here, where there's so much debris in the lakes that could puncture an inflatable). Also, kayaking alone is a bad idea too, AND I HAVE NO PARTNER ANYMORE.

It doesn't matter what my exhaustion- and grief-addled brain comes up with as a possible way to find SOMETHING to look forward to: too many obstacles for any of them.

I had a virtual session with Brooke this morning, and I spent most of it crying hysterically, which is pretty much how I've been since I woke up this morning. And it's because I'm TRAPPED. Every day is the same: I wake up crying, I spend the day and evening alternately crying, furious, or vegetative, and then I go to bed crying some more.

I'm trapped in this life I don't even want, with no way to escape. Even Sun Tzu recognized that's a problem: in The Art of War, he wrote, "When you surround an army, leave an outlet free. Do not press a desperate foe too hard." Sun Tzu knew that, when you back someone into a corner where they have nothing left to lose, they become dangerous. Well, here I am: trapped, desperate, and with nothing left to lose. But I'm so useless that I can't even do anything about that.

I guess I'll go back to crying now, because that's my life: cry, scream, vegetate, repeat. I'm in Hell, with no way out.