There's NOTHING I wouldn't give

My love,

It's been 60 days since I last saw you. 60 days since I held your hand as your doctor and nurses fought to keep you with me. 60 days since I heard your heartbeat. 61 days since the last time you were able to hold my hand. 63 days since I last kissed you. 63 days since we last held each other. 63 days since you last told me you loved me.

I was overly ambitious and THOUGHT I'd be able to do some grief work today, but clearly, I wasn't thinking. All I've been able to do today is drown in you. I've read some of our old texts. I've looked at pictures of us. I've watched our wedding video. I've revisited our two weeks in paradise. I've revisited as many memories I can of the four years, four months, and four days we spent together (yes, I'm counting our first not-a-date).

This is not how it was supposed to be. The whole world has completely fallen apart since you died; my inner poet wants to believe that the whole world is grieving the loss of someone so kind, so gentle, so strong, and so loving.

But changed or not, the rest of the world has moved on. I know there are plenty of people who miss you, but even they have continued living. I, on the other hand, have not. I can't. How can I continue living when my reason for living is gone? How can I have a life without you, when you gave me a life and a love I never believed possible? How can I live without you?

I don't know why I'm still breathing. I don't want to be. I want to be with you, wherever that is. It's unbearable, being here without you. It's unbearable, not hearing your voice. It's unbearable, not seeing your face. It's unbearable, not being able to touch you. It's unbearable, sleeping without you. IT'S ALL UNBEARABLE WITHOUT YOU.

I'm doing the things I'm supposed to do, but nothing helps. Nothing eases the pain. Nothing eases the loneliness. Nothing makes me stop missing you. Nothing ever will, until we're together again.

I wish... I wish so many things. I wish you were here. But since you can't be here, I wish you would find a way to talk to me and let me know that you're okay, and that you're still with me, and that you still love me. If you could do that, MAYBE I could find a reason to try and live again. Without that - without some assurance that your love is still with me and we'll be together again someday - I don't know how I can live. What's the point of torturing myself every minute of every day if, at the end of it, it's all just nothing and I STILL won't have you?

Please, baby - please find me. In my dreams, when I meditate, when I'm crying myself to sleep, I don't care. Just find me and talk to me. I need you. I can't do this without you. You're my husband. You will always be my husband. You promised that you'd always be here for me. I know you can't do that physically, but if you CAN still be here for me, I need you to get here. I need you to let me know that you're here. I need to know that you still love me, and that we'll be together again.

I need you. I always will. Please talk to me. PLEASE. I'm begging you; find a way to talk to me.