Two months

Two months ago today, Doug's life came to an end. So did mine. Nothing that's happened in the past 60 days has convinced me that there's any reason whatsoever to believe that I can ever be happy again. No amount of love or friendship from the many wonderful people in my life can make up for what I no longer have - the love I hoped for, thought I'd never find, and then miraculously found, only to lose it before we had a chance to do even a fraction of what we planned together.

There's nothing for me here. I don't belong anywhere anymore. There's nothing for me to DO here. I still can't go back to work - honestly, the thought of it is about as appealing as taking a trip back to Hawaii without Doug, which is to say that it makes me nauseated. I just don't care about the career I've lovingly and diligently crafted over the past 26 years.

A friend is getting ready to direct a show that - until a few months ago - I would've KILLED to do; but now? I'm not sure if I even have the capacity to learn lines, let alone do justice to one of the most challenging roles in contemporary theatre. Not to mention that I don't know if I can possibly be on stage without Doug either right there next to me or in the audience. And I'm not sure I really care about that, either.

Every day is just another day I've managed to survive. For no reason, and with no happiness over having survived. All I do is pass the time and wish I were with Doug.

I have nothing to talk about with anyone anymore; I, who used to be interesting and fun, and always had something to say... all I can talk about now is my grief. I've been reduced to my essence, and it turns out that my essence is nothing but pain.

This is how I feel: life has gone on for absolutely everyone else, but I'm rooted where I am. Watching other people live. Knowing that I don't get to live anymore, not really. Not ever.


I'm going to do the work today that I'm supposed to do. Like I do as many days as I can. But every day that I do this work and it makes no difference is just another day that convinces me more and more that there's no point to any of it. Not for me.