Best-laid plans

You know the expression "man plans and God laughs"? Yeah, that's where I am: yesterday, I invested the time to plan all the things I needed to do today. I awoke at 6:30 AM (six hours of sleep, in our bed, with no dreams of Doug or of anyone or anything else), got up and walked the dog and fed the cats, sat down to have coffee, and... there I've remained. Because today is the kind of exhausted that sleep cannot help.

On reading yesterday's post, a friend told me that PBS had a series with Bill Moyer and Joseph Campbell called The Power of Myth, so I'd purchased it, and planned to watch the first episode today. Well, I STARTED watching it, and then dozed off. And then I woke up, and dozed on and off for the next several hours; not really asleep, but not really awake, either. I'm in an in-between, zombie-like state. Never did get around to breakfast, or scooping the litter boxes, or my walk, or lunch, or starting the laundry, or doing the first assignment for the Grief Recovery Handbook, or anything else. I've been a lump, on the couch. All day.

I underestimated how hard today would hit me. I overestimated my ability to power through when my energy isn't where it needs to be. I made the mistake of thinking that I could use the force of my will to get shit done. That's always been one of my superpowers (and the only one that's served me well): despite whatever else may be happening, I get shit done.

I forgot, last night when I was planning my day today, that I'm not me anymore, and I don't have that superpower anymore. I don't seem to have ANY of my former self's skills anymore.

This isn't a tiredness I can power through; this is a tiredness I have to... honor, for want of a better word. There's no ignoring it, no doing what I'd planned despite it, and no half-assing it and dialing back the scope. This kind of tired prevents me from doing ANYTHING other than accepting this is what today is going to be. MAYBE I'll get something done later, but it's not looking good.

And that's terrifying: what do I do when this happens once I'm back at work? I'm pretty sure this isn't a problem that's going to just go away. Right now, I can roll with it because I have no commitments, but what do I do when I'm back in what all of you see as real life and this profound physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion hits when I'm supposed to be a contributing member of society? As understanding as my management team may be, the rules of the corporate overlords are hard and fast: unscheduled PTO has its limits. Yet another reason for me to fear returning to work. As though I don't have enough to fear already.

This, apparently, is part of my new life: TRY to do what I'm "supposed" to do, TRY to put some structure into my days, TRY to find some way to live with the unbearable pain... only to be foiled at damn near every attempt.

And so, I'm right back in my own personal Pit of Despair. It appears I live here now.