Do not leave us bereft of his good

No post yesterday, because there wasn't anything new to say. I was finally hit with some of the numbness that typically happens immediately after a death; I had a few bad hours, but it was mostly a day of nothingness. Which is appropriate, given how much I feel like I am nothing since Doug died. And, frankly, numbness was a relief compared to the anguish in which I've been marinating nonstop since February 20.

I was watching The Walking Dead (because it's my current distraction of choice, and I'm going to catch up to the current season if it's the last thing I do). I don't know WHY I stopped watching after the season just before Alexandria, because DAYUM, it's held up well and gotten even more batshit crazy.

But I digress: last night, I was watching Season Eight. In Episode 13, a new member of the community is talking to Rick Grimes and quotes part of the Muslim prayer for the dead, which ends with, "do not leave us bereft of his good and do not send us astray after them." Now, I'm not religious - I can't even say that I definitively do or don't believe that God/dess exists. But I DO have a spiritual nature, and have found that most every religion has wisdom to share. And that phrase, "do not leave us bereft of his good and do not send us astray after them"? It stuck with me. And when I woke up this morning, it was still stuck. Even now, it remains in my head, popping up every hour or two of its own volition.

The thing is, I AM bereft of Doug's good; sure, I can remember it, but I won't ever get to experience it again; no one will. And that's so, so wrong. He deserves to be here. He SHOULD be here. I need him here. I AM bereft. I'm also going astray after him. I know that I shouldn't, and I know that he wouldn't want me to, and I know that I WANT to go astray after him. It's ALL I want - to be with my husband. All I KNOW how to want right now is to be with him. If I can't... then what will become of me? That possibly-decades-long unknown stretch of time is... bleak and terrifying without my love.

But then... "do not leave us bereft of his good and do not send us astray after them." It repeats in my head, over and over. And I don't know what to do with that.

And so, for today, I decided not to go astray after him. I decided instead to try and tackle some things around the house. Is it immaculate? Ummm, no. Is it presentable enough? Yeah. Tomorrow morning I'll sweep and mop the floors, and I still have much to do in the coming days and weeks, but if I WERE to die in my sleep tonight, whoever showed up and found my body wouldn't be horrified by the state of my house, so at least there's that. My son is coming over tomorrow; not to celebrate Easter (because, again, not religious), but because we're expecting severe weather AGAIN and I've got a storm shelter. I'll make something simple for dinner, because he'll need to eat, and I CANNOT wait to hug him - it's been... three? four? weeks without any in-person interactions or hugs, and that's the one thing I'm most looking forward to: hugging my son.

For tonight, I'm going to do something Doug and I kept meaning to do but never got around to doing: I'm going to watch Zero Hour (the dramatic film parodied by Airplane!), and then watch Airplane!. Rumor has it that Airplane! is nearly a shot-for-shot recreation of Zero Hour, with plenty of dialogue in common as well. Don't know if it will be fun, exactly, but it's something I can do to honor plans we'd made before Doug died. Maybe, if I'm really lucky, he'll be here watching it with me. And if I'm lucky beyond my wildest dreams, maybe tonight will be the night he finally visits me in my dreams.