Day 24: 24th verse, same as the first

I slept last night. I slept a lot last night.

Do I feel rested? Refreshed?

Oh, I think we all know the answers to those questions.

I woke up with all my teeth hurting from clenching my jaw so tightly while I slept. I woke up and started crying because SWEET BABY JESUS WHY AM I STILL HERE?!? I woke up and started crying because I still haven't had a dream, or any kind of sign that Doug is still with me and it's driving me insane. I NEED HIM, DAMMIT. But he won't show up.

I can't hear his voice in my imagination anymore. It's been only 24 days, and I can't even hear his voice anymore. Am I going to forget his face, too? Because pictures are not the same as seeing his face looking at me. Am I going to forget his touch? His smell?

Is EVERYTHING going to be taken from me? I've already lost my husband, my closest and truest friend, my will to live, my enjoyment of my career, my desire to learn new things and triumph over challenges, my desire to travel and laugh and do theatre, my enjoyment of cooking (and eating). I've lost the ability to watch sports. Now I'm losing my ability to hear Doug as he was. All that's left of me is a lonely, empty shell of what used to be a vibrant, happy woman - all that's left of me are two things: a sadness that defies description and the overwhelming desire to be with Doug - even though I have exactly ZERO evidence that he misses me too. Wouldn't that just be a riot, if I managed to will myself out of earthly existence - and then I find that he doesn't even want me near him now?

And everyone is holed up, trying to maintain social distance so they won't get each other or me sick. I get it, and I know it's what needs to happen but I AM SO FUCKING LONELY I CANNOT STAND IT. And I'm pretty sure no one else can stand it either, so I doubt the social distance will go away, even if/when SARS-CoV-2 does.

People are joking about an upcoming baby boom, because hey: what else is there to do but have sex, right? Except that, for those of us who are lost and alone, it's just another cruel joke. Being cooped up for a few weeks with Doug would've been bliss. Being cooped up without Doug - and knowing I'll always be without Doug - is like the most horrible, mean-spirited joke ever, especially when it seems that damn near everyone I know is happily coupled.

I know, rationally, that it's not all about me. But it sure does feel as though the universe is doing its level best to make this worse with every passing day. I wouldn't have thought "worse" was even possible, and yet here we are.

On days when it was my fault (explanation is here, if you're new), if Doug made some smartass remark (as he often did; it was one of his best qualities), I'd respond with Al Bundy's famous, "You already won; there's no need to spike the ball." That's how I feel about life in general: you've already destroyed me, so WHY do you keep throwing fuel on the fire? Are you going to KEEP grinding me down, every minute of every day, until there's nothing left of ME but dust, just like that's all that's left of Doug?

I keep trying to find a way to get through this tangled forest of grief, but it's alive with vines that won't let me get free. I don't want to live like this. But I don't know how to live any other way; not without him.

It's all just too much. It's too hard.