March 1 2020

7:03 AM

Yesterday, we had Doug's Final Curtain Call. It was full of laughter, tears, and wonderful stories. I hope Doug was there to see how many people love him.

But, man, it was EXHAUSTING. SO MANY PEOPLE, all of them wanting to hug me and talk to me about Doug. I get peopled out pretty quickly on a GOOD day; this being anything but, I was peopled out before we even kicked off the shenanigans. But I got through it, thanks to our wonderful family and friends.

My bestie, James, came early to do my makeup - I wanted to look pretty for Doug, and James made that happen.

Asa and Freddie did a wonderful job setting up the venue; everything was beautiful.

Several people spoke about Doug: Matt N Smith (who was enlisted to be our emcee at the last minute because none of us thought about it until then), Michael Philip Welch (Doug's best friend), my sister Peggy O'Harra, Doug's brother, Robbie, Doug's grandchildren Olivia Kay Morris and William Morris, his daughter Melissa Stephens Morris, and me.

It was a lovely trip down memory lane, but there were also a few stories I HADN'T heard, which was at once sweet and really, REALLY sad for me - a reminder of just how short our time together was.

I'm so glad that Jason Siwel and Mic Rex both recorded everything, because it was a blur, just as I thought it would be. I don't know how long it's going to be before I can watch it, but I'm grateful to have the option.

Afterwards, the family went to Missy's for a family dinner (no, I didn't eat anything, thanks for asking - but I made up for it in alcohol consumption), where we told more stories about Doug and just enjoyed being together.

Until the night before last, I hadn't had a drop of alcohol since the night Doug died and I tried to watch that basketball game; prior to that, it was before Doug's surgery. I've been avoiding booze, because alcohol + depression can be deadly. But last night, surrounded by the other people who loved Doug most, I figured I was safe, and I was.

For the record, it's probably gonna be a while before I do that again, and certainly not while I'm alone. I can see how people spiral into alcoholism, and while I'm still not particularly interested in living without Doug, I'm NOT going to let myself go down that path.

And now, with all the busy-ness done, it's time to get back to reality. I wish I knew how to do that.

No dreams, again. I wish he would come to see me, but it's just not happening, and that breaks my heart all over again.

Today, I'm meeting my boss and very good friend Carly to have brunch at the Opryland Hotel (will I actually eat anything? I think we know the odds of that), then spending the rest of the day with my sister, I guess. Tomorrow, she'll head home, and then... I don't know what happens then.

I know I'm not ready to go back to work. I know the days are far too long. I don't know how to fill all that time.

But, at least for one day, I was able to feel Doug all around me.

9:59 PM

This one is REALLY long; apologies in advance for making your eyes bleed.

Woke up this morning at 7:00-ish. No dreams.

I had plans to meet Carly for brunch at the Opryland Hotel, but y'all... I did NOT want to go. I was exhausted, and peopled out, and I just wanted to hole up in my living room and vegetate.

But I didn't eat a single bite yesterday, and Carly came all the way from Boston for me, so I got my happy ass out of the recliner, fed the cats, and took a shower.

Brunch was good. I actually ate - not enough to justify the expense of the brunch, but I ate. I've come to the conclusion that the key to getting me to eat is that I have to pay for it: I don't like to waste money. I foresee a very ugly dining out budget for the foreseeable future.

Peggy and Dan brought me home, and we discussed some home-repair projects I need done; they're coming back late next month to spend a weekend and help get some of those things done.

We spent the afternoon at Missy's with the kids and her mom, just hanging out and telling stories. Rene and Pamela had to hit the road early this morning, as did the Knoxville and Atlanta contingent of the Allen clan, sadly. Olivia is heading home to Oregon in the morning, so it was lovely to have one last afternoon together (this time; I see many more weekends together in our future).

Peggy and Dan came home with me and ate dinner (I ordered food to be delivered from a local Lebanon restaurant, so I was able to eat some), and then they headed back to their hotel.

Which leaves me here alone. I'm gonna need to get used to that again. And I hate it.

I haven't cried as much today, but I think that's because I'm too exhausted, and I had lots of distractions. Tomorrow is going to be when the really hard stuff starts.

Several people yesterday asked if I'd be willing to share my eulogy for Doug. At first, I wasn't sure, but... Look, if I was willing to stand up in front of 150+ people and say this out loud, and record it (ALL the eulogies, and the music, actually) so that I can post it to YouTube (which I will when I get the recording, so that folks who weren't able to attend can still experience how much love was in that room), then why not share it here?

Truth is, my eulogy for Doug is not only a statement of love for the best man I've ever known. It's also a blueprint for what EVERYONE should look for and DEMAND in a romantic relationship.

With that, here it is.