March 11 2020

8:10 AM

Day 20

Y'all know the routine. Woke up, and then cried because I woke up.

Sleep: five hours
Eating: nope
Dreams: of COURSE not

The SEC tournament is this weekend; while Doug and I got to several football games over the years, we never did get the chance to see the Vols basketball team live and in person (he did, but never with me). So that's another memory we'll never get to make. And I'm pretty sure I can never set foot in Neyland Stadium again: all it would do is make me cry, because that's OUR thing.

And speaking of crying, I cannot BELIEVE how much I've cried since February 18, the day after Doug's surgery when things started going downhill. I NEVER used to be a weeper, but now I cry almost all the time. I wouldn't have thought it possible to cry as much as I do. I've cried so much that it's become my default state. My eyes don't even get puffy anymore; they've adjusted to it. Sometimes I find myself crying without even realizing it until I notice my eyes are leaking.

The desolation of waking up alone every morning is indescribable. It's such a small thing - waking up next to the person you love most - but losing that feels like the end of the world.

In a way, it IS the end of the world. We built a world together for ourselves; even when I was in a terrible mood, and didn't want to be around anyone, I knew that I could sit here next to Doug on the sofa and be content.

So he's gone, our world (which is now just my world) has been blown into a million pieces, and I'm expected to build an entirely new life without him. At a time when I'm not emotionally equipped to do ANYTHING, I'm expected to reinvent my life.

Bitch, do I LOOK like Lady Gaga? I loved my life. I don't WANT to reinvent a new one. Not without him.

Another thing that came up yesterday: Grace said that I won't be able to start healing until I REALLY know that Doug's dead and never coming back.

And I don't understand that. I KNOW he's dead. I KNOW he's not coming back. When I wake up alone, I'm not crying because I forgot that Doug is dead; I'm crying because I'm not.

She seems to think that I DON'T really know it, though, and it may be MONTHS before I do. And that's scary, because it suggests that I'm going to get even more broken than I already am, and I don't know how that's possible. Let's not even discuss the possibility of feeling this way for months, because I don't know if I could recover from that. I'm not even three weeks in and I'm already losing my mind.

Being alone before was a treat. Being alone now is torture, because I went from being cherished to being... not. I have a lot of people who love me, but I don't have Doug. I won't say he's the only one who mattered, because that's not fair. But none of you loves me like he did.

Maybe my first post each day should just read "another day, another existential crisis."

9:15 AM

See, this is the sort of thing that scares me. I joined this subreddit for widows and widowers at my son's suggestion, and this woman reached out because her story has some similarities to mine - and her partner died a year to the day before Doug did.

A year out, and she STILL feels like she's just going through the motions and not really invested in anything.

What kind of life is that? WHY would I want that? Why would ANYONE want that?

I met Doug in July 2015, when I was 50 and he was 62. We started dating in October 2015. We were both adamant, after multiple failed marriages...

REDDIT.COM

Don't know how to do this. Don't want to.

I met Doug in July 2015, when I was 50 and he was 62. We started dating in October 2015. We were both adamant, after multiple failed marriages...