March 5 2020 - Two Weeks since Doug Died

6:39 AM

Two weeks. Fourteen days.

My love,

An eternity has passed since you had to leave me. (At least, I HOPE you had to; if I thought you'd CHOSEN it, I couldn't bear it. Of course, I can't bear THIS either, so I don't know.)

Without you here to hold me, sleeping nude is pointless (well, that and the bigass window in the living room, where I'm sleeping - don't want to traumatize the neighbors, right?).

I wear your pajamas, which still smell like you even though they've been washed. I use your soap, because that makes me feel closer to you. That's probably why I now use your side of the recliner, too.

But I'm not closer to you. You're gone. You PROMISED me you'd always be here for me, but you're not.

Evenings are the worst (so far; I have a feeling weekends are gonna top evenings by a wide margin, but stay tuned), because that was OUR time: dinner, the news, the previous night's late night shows, Cocktail Hour with Mr Prowler.

I find myself wondering, do you miss me? Are you desperately wishing, as I am, that you could hold me again, kiss me again, tell me how much you love me? Or are you so happy to be with your mom and dad and sister and nephew that you've already forgotten about me? Or, maybe even worse, are you just... gone?

WHY haven't you come to visit me? I'm so DESPERATE for a sign that you're still with me, but I'm getting nothing. And that feels like you leaving me all over again, every single day.

I know you'd want me to be happy, but baby, I don't know how to do that without you. I don't think I can.

I miss you so much. I love you so much.

Two weeks. Fourteen days. An eternity.

11:44 AM

Nearly seven hours: that's how long I've been crying today. Pretty much nonstop since I woke up at 4:00 AM.

I cried through walking the dog, feeding the cats, and drinking my one cup of coffee. I cried through writing my post from early this morning. I cried through brushing my teeth.

All I can do is cry, and talk to Doug. I keep telling him how much I miss him, and that I can't do this without him. I keep BEGGING him to visit me, to talk to me, to let be KNOW he's still with me and still loves me.

Nothing but crickets.

I've never been so alone.

7:46 PM

Since I have to fill my time with something besides just crying, I've begun a list of the things and activities that used to bring joy and happiness into my life. This is a partial list of things I can never do again, because they're too painful without Doug:

Theatre
Cooking
Beach vacations
Weekend road trips (traveling in general, really)
Football
Basketball
Late night TV
Sam Adams Cold Snap
Jack Daniels Honey
McNamara's
These fantastic sofas we bought together
Our bed
Watching Marmalade and Houdini chase each other around the house
Snackin' time for Prowler
Ugly Christmas sweaters
Christmas Vacation
A Christmas Story
Baking Christmas cookies
St Patrick's day
Gatlinburg
Souvenir coffee mugs
Idly looking at houses for sale to see what features we'd want in our dream home

And this is just a partial list off the top of my head. No wonder I'm struggling to find the will to live.

10:32 PM

Y'all, I know you're worried about me. I'm not going to say you shouldn't be, because I think we all know that would be a lie of epic proportions, and I promised I'd be completely honest.

I know you want to help, but you can't.

I spent my entire adult life looking for real love. When I FINALLY found it in the most wonderful man on earth, who loved me just as much as I loved him, it was ripped right out of my hands. Do you realize that, by the end of June, I'll have been a widow longer than I was a wife? How fucked up is that?

And after spending my whole life dreaming of that kind of love and doubting it even existed, when I finally found it... Doug gave me LIFE. I soaked up that love like a plant on the verge of dessication, watered for the first time in months. I blossomed. I became the woman I was supposed to be all along.

To know that's now gone, forever... no more "good morning, my love" texts - he still sent those, even though he was just a couple of rooms away, no more inside jokes, no having that one person I love most who loves ME most, no more of the casual intimacy that you can't get from anyone but a true partner... it's destroyed my will to live. I don't know how to live without that. I don't want to. (Disclaimer: I'm not going to commit suicide, so stop asking. If I wanted to do that, I'm pretty sure there's enough booze and Tylenol in this house that I could've done that already. I just don't want to live anymore.)

I can't function. I'm like a helpless child. It takes everything I have just to keep the pets fed, the dog walked, and the litter boxes scooped. All I do is cry and feel so completely alone, even when I'm with the people who love me. And no matter how much I try to explain exactly how and why my life is over without him, no one can understand it, because no one else is me. No one else went through the shit shows that Doug and I both went through, REPEATEDLY, before we finally found each other.

No amount of hugs, or conversations, or anything else can make up for what I've lost. EVERYTHING that used to bring me joy, or peace, or happiness is ruined for me - even things I enjoyed before Doug - because they're ALL now inextricably tied to him.

The Kathleen you knew? The one with the bright smile and the sharp wit and the fierce embrace of life and all its possibilities? She died two weeks ago today along with her husband. She's been replaced by this fragile, weepy, angry, terrified, lonely, bitter lookalike.

She's as gone as he is. And she's never coming back.

My point is, don't feel bad that you can't help. No one can help. Nothing can help. I'm just marking time here among the living until my body finally gets the message and goes where my heart already is. If you want to keep me company while I'm stuck here, I'll try to let you. But please know that I don't blame you for not fully grasping what I'm going through. I'm GLAD that you can't understand, because it means you've never had to feel this kind of anguish. And I wouldn't wish this on anyone.