6:04 AM
So, two thoughts: I couldn't get through the game. Watching the Vols without him is just wrong. It's taken me all night just to get through the first half, because I had to keep pausing it to cry. I'm throwing in the towel. I don't know if I can ever watch the Vols again.
Second, sleep is clearly not happening tonight, even though I'm completely exhausted physically and emotionally. Maybe it'll never happen again. 🤷♀️ I don't even care. I can't even complain about it. How can I complain about anything so mundane when the love of my life is gone?
I don't know how to do this, y'all. I really, really don't.
10:11 PM
Y'all, I'm gonna get REALLY real here: I don't want to be here without Doug. I am pretty much willing myself to stay alive one minute at a time, because that's what I'm supposed to do. But I would be perfectly content for the earth to swallow me up right this second, every second that I'm awake (which is currently at 37 hours straight and counting).
People keep telling me that I am strong; I am NOT. What I AM is really good at doing what needs to be done and APPEARING strong. I am utterly and completely broken. I am quite convinced that I can NEVER be put back together. And really, I don't WANT to be put back together.
I know that everyone grieves differently, and I cannot tell anyone how to express themselves or how they should feel. But when I see people suggesting that Doug is in a better place, or that we're somehow better off because he's watching over us, it's like a dagger to my heart, because that's effectively saying that he does NOT belong here with me. And quite frankly, that pushes me from "I don't want to be here without him" to "let's go drive off a cliff."
I do not wish to censor anyone, or make anyone feel bad. I would ask, though, if you feel the need to express any sentiment along those lines, please just block me from seeing it. It's too painful.
Thank you.
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