If only that were enough...

Had a two-hour video chat with my family tonight: most of them are out of state, so I'm really, REALLY alone. Did it help? I dunno. For a couple of hours, I didn't think about how lonely I am, so I guess that's a break. But that ended, and here I am where I always am: without Doug, without joy, and without any will to live.

I'm very lucky, really: I've seen stories from lots of new widows who are struggling not only to deal with their grief, but also struggling to deal with their families (or their late spouses' families). My family is fantastic, even though they aren't close by. And so is Doug's.

But here's the thing: as soon as the video chat ended, I was right back where I was before we talked.

Y'all, I miss him so much. He would've loved that "conference call." He would have had such a good time chatting with the family. But instead, it's just me. And I fucking HATE it. It's not supposed to be this way. I'm not supposed to be me, sitting in my house, alone. I'm supposed to have Doug right here with me, laughing at how insane the world has gone.

But he's not here, and he'll never be here, and I can't do this without him.

I know my family loved Doug, but they'e still moved on: they have children to raise, or - in the case of my sister, critically ill patients to care for - they can't, and won't, and shouldn't spend every waking minute thinking about how very much my life sucks.

And it does. Oh, how it sucks. And I don't have an escape route. It's the focus of my every waking moment, the loss of Doug.

I can fill my days with distraction after distraction, but none of it changes the fundamental truth of my life: the person I love most is gone. I can maybe show my love for him, but he sure AF can't show me his love for me. And a life without that love is too hard to bear. It just is.

I would give ANYTHING to have one more evening with Doug; one more time to tell him how much I love him; one more time to feel his arms around me; one more time to feel his lips on mine. But it doesn't matter how much I would give: there's no getting him back. And it's just too hard without him. I love him, and I miss him, and I need him. How can I do this without him? Why am I still here, when I belong with my husband?

I would love to say that something could change my mind and convince me that life without him is worth living. But it's been a month and a day, and nothing has. Nothing WILL. Life without Doug isn't life at all - it's not even half a life. It's just loneliness and emptiness and pretending that I can be okay without him. But I can't.

I'm not okay. I'll never be okay. And it doesn't matter how many "fun" video chats I have with the family: he's not here, and so I need to not be here, too.